Okay…I’ve been trying to push through, to find my way. But I’m lost. After being a homeschool mom for over 10 years, I have been abandoned for public school. It was not my choice. I didn’t even get a vote. There are MANY reasons why I homeschooled, and those reasons have not changed. However, Boy Wonder decided that he wanted to give public school a try, and he was way too smart to come to me with his request. No, he went straight to Man. I have many problems with the entire scenario; however, that is not why I’m here today.
I have known all summer that Boy Wonder (BW) was going to be going to “real” school. I have tried and tried to prepare myself for the adjustment. I tried to convince myself of all the pluses: more time to sew, no school paperwork, no one here to make messes all day (other than myself!), time to read what I WANTED to read (instead of trying to stay one step ahead of BW in his homeschool reading), and on and on. Well…BW headed to school on September 6th and I was slapped with reality. My reality. The reality that I am lost! The worst part? I do not even understand why I feel that way. I mean I do….but I don’t. With the exception of not having to come up with lesson plans, grade school work and occasionally assist with school work (I still assist with school work…just not during the day), my days are much as they were. I mean, BW is nearly 16….I haven’t exactly had to sit with him and actively teach him in quite a while. He read his assignments and worked on them alone unless he ran into something that he didn’t understand AND could not figure out on his own.
I am still Man’s wife. I am still BW’s mom (and S’s mom…but she hasn’t lived with us for over 3 years and is now married…and lives far, far away…so not a part of this story….just didn’t want her to think that I had forgotten that I’m her mom also…just in case she reads this…love ya SJ). Where was I? Oh yes. Basically, while homeschooling was a part of my life for a long time, it wasn’t ALL of who I am. I am still a wife and mom, friend and neighbor….child of God. I still like to cook, clean (yes, I know…weird….but don’t worry, because I am an unorganized person that likes to clean…so my house still has REALLY BAD moments), bake, write, read, sew, crochet, and on and on and on.
Perhaps it is just the fact that I don’t like change. Maybe it is that I feel like I’m missing something….like I should be doing something and I’m not quite sure what that something is. I am trying to take it one day at a time…one moment at a time. But my soul is restless. Which, I believe, is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world!!!
Yes, I am heading into a new season. Things are changing. I feel utterly and completely lost. But I know….yes, I KNOW, that as long as I allow Him, that God is leading the way. And He is not lost. So I try to quiet my soul, for it is safe in His hands.
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
Jeremiah 29:11 (Amp)
Of course, sometimes a girl just has to DO something when she feels like everything else is out of her control. So yesterday, I had my half-way down my back hair chopped off…to a chin-length bob. Check out my new profile photo…what do ya think? I think the hairstylist thought I was a bit loony! And maybe she was right…..
Until next time….